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The Gist on Domestic Violence Episode 2

EPISODE 2 (CONTINUATION)

He didn’t come to my house again after that – I think he was scared about my parents calling the police. But for a while he kept turning up after school, and would come up to me and either shout at me, or plead with me. I’d told a few school friends, and they were really good about it actually. It was such a relief to tell people, I felt so much stronger. My friends helped me by looking out for me to see if he was waiting for me, and they stood around if he tried to talk to me. They hung around until he left.
Sometimes I felt really guilty or sorry for him when he was hanging around, but then I just thought about how stressed he’d made me feel, how he had tried to manipulate me and dominate my life, and I felt angry at him. Feeling angry helped me keep away from him.
After a few weeks he sort of gave up on trying to get at me. I think he knew he couldn’t get to me as much since I told my friends and my parents, and he knows I’m pretty determined to keep him away. It helps knowing that if he harasses or threatens me again I could call the police or take out an Intervention Order. If I see him on the street my friends stand around me, to protect me.
He’s got a new girlfriend now, so I hear. I hope he’s not abusing her. Maybe after I stood up to him, he’ll be more careful to treat his girlfriends with respect.
Now, a year later I’ve got a boyfriend who really respects me. He never pressures me, and I can be myself with him. I won’t put up with any shit from a boyfriend or from anyone. At the first sign of control or manipulation or pressure it would be like, ‘I’m out of here’. Now I know no-one has the right to treat me like that. If you love someone you show them respect.
If I knew someone who was being abused, I’d try to talk to them about it. I’d tell them, don’t feel ashamed, it’s not your fault, it’s his. I’d say to them, if you feel like you are able to, then get out as soon as you can, because the abuse just wears you down more and more. Stop hoping he will change, you are probably wasting your time. But be careful, because with some guys things can get scary, especially when you try to leave. If my friend didn’t feel like she could break up, I wouldn’t criticise her, I’d hang in there and support her. I’d say, make sure you have ways to protect yourself. I’d tell them how much it can help to talk to people about it, because if you have support it can make you feel a lot stronger.
I’d also tell them that things will get better when you are free from the abuse. You feel like you have your life back, your confidence comes back, your enjoyment of life. And even though it takes a while to start trusting people again, it also makes you stronger and more aware of your own rights.
these are different cases of DV.
Now I bet you would be surprise if I tell you Men too fall a victim of DV too
Here is their own story_
Tina (me): So tell me, what really happened, what was it like?
I was in a hellish marriage with a woman who had difficulty controlling her rage, which would frequently erupt with her hitting, verbal abuse, and screaming. If fighting with her did occur, it was self-defense; if she threw a punch or kicked, I defended myself. In one particular case, after she initiated a fight by kicking and throwing punches, she called the police to report me as the violent abuser! When they responded, I was seen as the bad guy, she was the victim!
 Whenever I speak of male abuse, I am met by disbelief and, even worse, laughter. ... I notice in talking with other shelter staff throughout the state that this attitude prevails in the other shelters, too-men are the perpetrators, and women are the victims”
               By -- Jan Dimmitt, Executive Director of Kelso's Emergency Support Shelter
And another man’s comment is like this
I have a problem, I feel that, if I report my wife, I will be the one that winds up in custody. When I mentioned dialing 911 while my wife was hitting me with a skillet this morning, she told me to "Go ahead - I will just tell them that I was defending myself.
Sam’s story
Tina (me): So tell me, what really happened, what was it like?
SAM: I was a single dad with children and remarried. What an idiot I was. I should have spotted the warning signs.
Whenever anything went wrong, she’d blame me. Anyway, it turned into a living nightmare within a year of being married.
She took every opportunity to belittle me.
When in a temper, she often hit me but never on the face. I thought I deserved it because I was withdrawn and a bad husband – that’s what she kept saying. She forced me to have sex to become a good husband for her. I couldn’t leave because that would have meant leaving my children.
I tried to tell my mother but what little I told she said, “What are you doing to make her behave that way?” I felt abandoned by everyone except the kids. After several years my wife said she was leaving. Everyone said the breakup was my fault. I never told anyone what really happened.
Years later I finally had the courage to tell a counsellor that I went to because of depression after I lost my job. I had no close friends by then.
TINA: How DID YOU cope?
SAM: I knew that my children needed me even though I felt pretty useless. That’s the only thing that got me through and eventually made me realise that it was not all my fault. I had always been involved with their day to day care and that gave me a purpose. Their love gave me strength. But the doubt about my husband qualities still lingers and will probably never go away. I haven’t dated since then.
TINA: How DID the situation change?
SAM: She gave up on me and left. I think she had been sleeping with other men and decided I wasn’t worth the trouble any more. She took almost everything from the house but I didn’t care at the time. I was just glad it was over. It was the worst time of my life.
TINA: What helped YOU to get stronger?
SAM: If I didn’t have to think of the kids more than myself, I don’t know what I would have done. I might not even be here now. The counsellor was good because she helped me see that it was abuse. She used the word ‘rape’ and I now know that’s what it was like in the bedroom. It’s amazing but I didn’t think of it that way before. I was living in a naive cloud and had no words to describe my confusion and terror.
TINA: What would YOU say to someone who is being abused?
SAM: Apart from ‘I understand’ I don’t know. There are so many confused thoughts especially the nagging feeling that somehow you are the one to blame, the mad person. It’s no good saying to someone you have to leave because there are so many other things to consider – like children, money, lawyers, etc. The only positive thing is the love I have for my kids and them for me.
Jacob’s story
I met this woman at Uni whilst doing research. When she broke up with her guy she phoned me and I asked her out. At first it was blissful. Soon she started getting very upset with my clothes. As the relationship wore on we decided to get engaged. She would call me names and she hurt me because she regularly called me ignorant.
She got jealous when I phoned or visited my two male friends, with whom I used to go out and have a pizza or drink when I had not yet met her. She accused me of being bad, of looking at other women. When we went to do up her flat, she sought to belittle me and my capabilities.
She would never admit that she’d be at fault. She hit me physically twice.
In time I grew very weary of her, I grew afraid, I used to worry that while asleep she could hit or even kill me.
How I coped>>>
I bore it through patience, at first submitting myself to the torture. As time passed, I saw her lack of love towards me. I took a decision and put my foot down. Once we broke off I passed through a traumatic period lasting 1-2 months. Oh God it was difficult. I spoke to people who listened, I seached the internet to understand why, I needed to convince myself I was NOT the guilty one. Slowly I started regaining my self-confidence.
How the situation changed>>>>
The situation changed slowly at first. I got financially untangled from her and her family. Then I went out, and I returned to the things I used to do, this gave me value again, I felt important. I sought to help others through my experience. At times I would relapse and feel horrible, my pride was deeply shaken as was my faith, for which I had to struggle to hold on to it.
What helped me to get stronger?
My faith in God helped me first to forgive her for the hurts she had done to me. Then my friends and family supported me. I also sought counselling through a few priests who are my personal friends. Just by listening and empathizing these people helped me a lot. I went out and sought to reorganise my life. I set new goals. I prepared for the future. I took control of my life again. I wore the clothes she did not like. I acted and became myself again.
What I would say to someone who is being abused>>>>>
For the love of God and yourself, get out of it, immediately! These people will not get any better, for vinegar never became wine. The longer you stay in an abusive relationship the worse it gets. At the end YOU are the victim, only the wounds will be greater and deeper. If the first time round the victimiser doesn’t act on controlling his/her behaviour, just leave. Do not even think twice about it. There are many potential partners out there who would be 100% better for you, and it is better to be alone, in purgatory, rather than with him/her in hell.
NOW THE PROBLEM ABOUT THESE CASE IS THAT -Domestic violence against men in India and most countries are yet to be recognized by the law, there should be a clause added to the Domestic Violence Act for Men. the victims here should get out of such relationship and also get a good lawyer to file for a restraining order, try to speak out too, “Am a man” and so what, tell the story, tell your lawyer, While we all wait on the progress being put in the DV ACT. its more common and seen among women though.
THE PROBLEM ABOUT D.V:  Domestic violence is the most common form of violence against women. It affects women across the life span from sex selective abortion of female fetuses to forced suicide and abuse, and is evident, to some degree, in every society in the world.

What Leads to Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence against women is an age old phenomenon. Women were always considered weak, vulnerable and in a position to be exploited. Violence has long been accepted as something that happens to women. Cultural mores, religious practices, economic and political conditions may set the precedence for initiating and perpetuating domestic violence, but ultimately committing an act of violence is a choice that the individual makes out of a range of options. The gender imbalance in domestic violence is partly related to differences in physical strength and size. Moreover, women are socialized into their gender roles in different societies throughout the world. 
In societies with a patriarchal power structure and with rigid gender roles, women are often poorly equipped to protect themselves if their partners become violent. Husbands who batter wives typically feel that they are exercising a right, maintaining good order in the family and punishing their wives' delinquency - especially the wives' failure to keep their proper place.

Many forms of verbal and psychological abuse appear relatively harmless at first, but expand and grow more menacing over time, sometimes gradually and subtly. As victims adapt to abusive behavior, the verbal or psychological tactics can gain a strong ‘foothold’ in victims' minds, making it difficult for them to recognize the severity of the abuse over time.


Now that the law is on women’s side, with the Protection of Women against Domestic Violence Act (2005), the Indian Law has come to realize that there are multifaceted problems faced by women in domestic affairs. This Act protects women, helps women, and also provides safety to women economically, physically and mentally. When a woman files an FIR (First Information Report) against her abuser, she gets immediate help from the police and there is no delay in nabbing the criminal. Now, a woman does not have to go through a battery of cross questioning where her integrity is put to question, she is legally in the position of power and her needs are met first.


Its Health Implications
Violence not only causes physical injury, it also undermines the social, economic, psychological, spiritual and emotional well being of the victim, the perpetrator and the society as a whole. Domestic violence is a major contributor to the ill health of women.
It has serious consequences on women's mental and physical health, including their reproductive and sexual health. These include injuries, gynecological problems, temporary or permanent disabilities, depression and suicide, amongst others.

DV on Children
Children who witness domestic violence may develop serious emotional, behavioral, developmental or academic problems.
As they develop, children and teens who grow up with domestic violence in the household are: 1. more likely to use violence at school or community in response to perceived threats 2. More likely to attempt suicide 3. More likely to use drugs 4. More likely to commit crimes, especially sexual assault 5. More likely to use violence to enhance their reputation and self-esteem 6. More likely to become abusers in later life.

CONCLUSIVELY, The health sector can play a vital role in preventing violence against women, helping to identify abuse early, providing victims with the necessary treatment and referring women to appropriate care. Health services must be places where women feel safe, are treated with respect, are not stigmatized, and where they can receive quality, informed support. A comprehensive health sector response to the problem is needed, in particular addressing the reluctance of abused women to seek help.

We also tend to ignore the fact that help is needed from both sides. The abuser needs to go for psychological counseling and should have anger management therapy, while the victim needs counseling to regain her sense of self and individuality, to make her more independent and self-assured. Being an extremely aggressive individual with no control over your emotions does not have to be your destiny, it can be stopped with the application of the right methods and getting the right help. WOMEN TRY to be economically independent, it goes a long way in ones life.




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